"[My relationships were] like I was in these movies where the script was only half-written. When I’d get to the end of this half-script, the other actors wanted me to ad lib. But I had never gotten the hang of that. That’s why these movies were always box-office failures. Six of them in the past twenty years. I always blew the lines." ~ from my horrible first novel "Learn How To Pretend." (unpublished)(obviously)

Monday, August 26, 2013

Le Marriage de Moi

I got engaged this weekend. I'm 55. My fiancee is the woman I've called my 'wife' for pretty much the last 6 years or so, though it's never been legal. The woman I love. We wear rings. We're (re)committed. I refer to her in this blog as La Esposa. She's also known as Danika de la Cruz. She's the woman I talk about when I talk about a breakup a year ago. In fact, it's been about a year since she asked me to move out of the house.

On Saturday we get a joint checking account to pay the bills with, do the grocery shopping. This way it's not just her doing that stuff. That evening she asks me when Fall break is at for the University where I teach. "The eleventh," I say. "Tenth and eleventh of October. Why?"
"This is going to sound a little weird," she says.
"Why?" I ask. "Do you want to get married that weekend?"
"Yeah. I do."

And so it is. We begin the planning. Nothing ostentatious. This will be my third. For her it will be the first she's gone through with, having narrowly missed things about 10 or 12 years ago.

I'm reading back over this and realizing I sound... blase about it all. Not true. I'm thrilled! I'm happy and content and excited about the direction my life has turned in the past year -- though I'm dismayed about the fact that we've not yet sold our house and moved to Colorado.

I've been thinking about it all and what it means. I keep feeling like the Colorado move hasn't happened because we (I) haven't yet accepted the current situation, haven't found happiness in where we are. Haven't come to terms with the greenness of yonder grass.

But, what is marriage after six years of living together if not "acceptance"? Is this not accepting that we belong together and will be together for our remaining years? Is this not accepting that the grass over there is precisely the same shade as the grass on this side of the fence? Doesn't it mean that I can accept that I deserve happiness and that I can find it right here? I think so.

I am happy. I am content. This is where I belong. This is where I shall stay.

Relationship-wise anyway. New Mexico is for the birds.

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