It's scary, but exciting, too. I've never done anything like this. But, then, there are a lot of things I'd never done in my life and, when I finally did, they mostly turned out OK.
And it all makes me wonder why. Why did I live my life in the shadow? Where there great things I could have accomplished in my life if I'd just had the motivation earlier on? Or did I need all the life experiences I've had?
Sometimes, when I look at what I'm finding interesting now days, I can see that those things didn't exist when I was younger. Or the threat to society wasn't great enough. Or the threat to me wasn't great enough. Mostly, I think, the latter. Somewhere along the way, I came to believe that I couldn't do great things. More so, I was led to believe that in order to be successful, I had to be a certain way, and I was not good enough to be that way. I was too much of a failure to even try to be a failure at succeeding.... Ummm....?
What I'm seeing.... what I'm sensing is that A.) That model and definition of success that was held up before was a sham. And B.) that even if I'd somehow attained it, I'd not be able to hold it because that is not who I am. Not that I'm a failure. Far from it, I'm a success at being myself. And who/what I am did not follow the rest of the herd, lock-step, nose-to-ass, wearing a club-tie noose as I was led to slaughter.
I feel I've escaped something. Some cruel twist of fate that many other didn't. I've heard the squeals of terror from those far far ahead of me in the slaughterhouse line. I've heard the shotgun blast that puts them down one-by-one. I've turned and walked away.
I like teaching college level. I like the environment. I like the way I can dress. I like the creativity I can bring to the room. If I get to do that here in Albuquerque while I'm waiting to move, that's not so much of a punishment.