I should clarify what I meant when I said “things will get better.” I wasn’t just saying it to be nice. What I meant to say is that “things CAN get better.” You’ve said it for so long, that it is a matter of US changing, not I+++++ (though that would certainly help.)
In the last few months – especially this last one – I’ve found long times of overwhelming peace, forgiveness, and non-judgement. I’m able (most of the time) to look at those around me with compassion and understanding and forgiveness. I’ve been able to stop myself when undesirable thoughts and reactions come up and ask myself where they are coming from. Are they legit? Mostly, they’re not.
Working with Dr. T+++++ has helped. My short Tour of Duty with AA helped some too. But mostly it’s been a matter of examining my life, working on my issues and understanding which ones I need to change, but also which ones are neither good nor bad, but just part of my personality. It was hard, but it was also an awakening of sort that ended up in self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, and self-love.
I’m not trying to tell you to “just get better,” or “Just get over it.” I understand where you are standing and that struggle you are facing regarding I++++. I’m just saying that it is possible to find peace amidst your/our situation. You expressed two scenarios: One, that I++++ comes home and destroys the peace in your home. Or Two, that he doesn’t ever come home, and you feel like shit about it. I think there are two more scenarios. They are the same as above, but add “and you accept it and forgive yourself and him,” to the end. I know you don’t like these clever sayings, but I’ve found that Forgiveness really IS giving up hope in a better past. Like you said, the change needs to be in us.
In the same way we thought the grief we felt after our dads died would never end, but did, the same will happen here. Things can get better and, ultimately, I believe, they will get better.
That's all I got :~)