"[My relationships were] like I was in these movies where the script was only half-written. When I’d get to the end of this half-script, the other actors wanted me to ad lib. But I had never gotten the hang of that. That’s why these movies were always box-office failures. Six of them in the past twenty years. I always blew the lines." ~ from my horrible first novel "Learn How To Pretend." (unpublished)(obviously)

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Beating The Post-Holiday Blahs

Handy tips from The Onion: America's Finest News Source

Many people report feelings of depression after the holidays. Here are some ways you can relieve the seasonal doldrums:
■ Coptic and Greek Orthodox Christians celebrate most holidays days or weeks later. Try temporarily converting to extend your holiday mood.
■ Get a full-spectrum light and keep it in your closet. The fact that you know it's there and can be taken out at any time should be enough to cheer you up.
■ You may have thrown out your tree, but you can still pile your ornaments on the couch and celebrate all over again with a Christmas Cushion!
■ Do not read The Road.
■ Many department stores have old men who will let you sit on their laps year-round. Best of all, it's free!
■ Give yourself one more present by ordering a pizza, shaking it next to your ear, and then opening it while sitting cross-legged on the floor.
■ Why are you trying not to be depressed? Frankly, you're more enjoyable to be around when you're sad.
■ Don't forget that no matter how fat you are now, at least one person in the world is fatter. Gross.
■ Consider the number of shitty presents you received. Remind yourself you don't give shitty presents. Now, pat yourself on your superior back!
■ Every office has that one person whom nothing seems to get to. Punch that person in the face.
■ Compared to your everyday blahs, the post-holiday blahs may not be that bad.
■ Induce coma and get woken up on Mar. 20.

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