"[My relationships were] like I was in these movies where the script was only half-written. When I’d get to the end of this half-script, the other actors wanted me to ad lib. But I had never gotten the hang of that. That’s why these movies were always box-office failures. Six of them in the past twenty years. I always blew the lines." ~ from my horrible first novel "Learn How To Pretend." (unpublished)(obviously)

Sunday, October 14, 2012

This is how it feels some days

From Married to the Sea
Anyone who's ever engaged in "Stop Hitting Yourself," has to smile at this, even if you were on the receiving end. My son loves when I play this game with him. Of course there's never any real hitting involved. I hate the game because, well, some days I feel like this is all that goes on in my life. It looks like I'm hitting myself, beating myself up, but it feels like there's some other hand that's directing the blows.

Call it what you want. God. Self. Superego. Society. I can't seem to not play it.

Regardless of the source, why would we engage in such self-hatred, self-loathing, self-destruction?  If depression actually can play a positive role in the evolutionary process and survival, might "hitting" yourself also play such a role. It's clearly a human response and almost seems to be involved in whatever it is that allows us to create society.

And from a spiritual viewpoint, maybe that's what the above picture really depicts. Maybe when Jacob wrestled with the angel, he was engaged in this self-hatred or self-correction.

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