"[My relationships were] like I was in these movies where the script was only half-written. When I’d get to the end of this half-script, the other actors wanted me to ad lib. But I had never gotten the hang of that. That’s why these movies were always box-office failures. Six of them in the past twenty years. I always blew the lines." ~ from my horrible first novel "Learn How To Pretend." (unpublished)(obviously)

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Bite my ass, depression!

I was listening to a Pema Chödrön lecture today (Getting UnHooked) that was based on some writing by Shanti Deva (no clue who that is) (some famous Buddhist from the 8th century.) It was one of those deals where I was distracted and kept having to back the file up and play it again. Then I’d space and do it again.

As a consequence, I kept hitting this one part where she quotes him as saying “Depression never brought me what I wanted.” No shit?

But I kept thinking on it.

We used to do this thing when our kids would have a tantrum because they hadn’t gotten their way. At the end of the power struggle, when it was clear that everything was over, we would talk to them—discuss their actions and ask: Did that get you what you wanted?

The idea, of course, was to get them to look at the futility of their action.

What was any different with them and what I do when I let depression get hold of me?

I was going to say that, well, one difference is that I’m not talking about just feeling blue, or glum, or in the dumps, or some other lame-ass expression. I’m talking about full-blown clinical depression. I’m talking chemical imbalance. I’m talking about the depths of hell shit here.  
And, I guess, in the case of one of our kids, he can claim the same thing—the body chemistry made me do it. But that’s neither here nor there.

Maybe my depression is not something I can control. But maybe it is. Maybe it’s a matter or realizing its deceiving nature and calling Bullshit on it.

What the fuck you ever done for me, depression? Oddly, I had a similar conversation with a Christian friend today. God’s had all these great plans and promises for me, but he’s never really come through on any of them.

Same with depression. Sure, there’s been some evolutionary advantages to it, I’m told, but in the end, it’s not worth the headache or heartache.

I think we need to start seeing other people.

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