"[My relationships were] like I was in these movies where the script was only half-written. When I’d get to the end of this half-script, the other actors wanted me to ad lib. But I had never gotten the hang of that. That’s why these movies were always box-office failures. Six of them in the past twenty years. I always blew the lines." ~ from my horrible first novel "Learn How To Pretend." (unpublished)(obviously)

Saturday, September 29, 2012

My name's Rick and I'm not an alcoholic: I just drink like one.

Yeah, that's a genuine styrofoam cup of AA coffee. MMmmmmHurlllllllll.
I did it. I went to my first meeting. Not sure what I was expecting, but this was about it. This was a 12-step meeting, which made me think of the Steam Donkey's song, "She's Twelve-Steppin' Out On Me."

Yeah, I had a drink before I went. I did some grocery shopping afterward and when i got home, I had another drink. And now I'll have another.

I don't know. I told my wife (A) today that I was going. I told her mother too. Their reaction was.... I'm not sure. I was trying to figure out if it was condescension-- So, you filed bankruptcy and now you're an alcoholic? or if it was doubt that I needed to be going. A even double-checked to see if I was still going to be seeing our counselor. I'm not blaming every thing on drinking, as I've explained. It's just one more base I'm covering, one more avenue I'm exploring in my attempt to return to sanity.

OK. I said I wasn't going to get all evangelical about this shit. I'm not going to become a shiite alcoholic.But I just want to say that I realized -- especially after a long talk on the phone with support group member, CD, that the times when I most needed to sit and talk with A, or just to sit and hold her, were the times I (we) turned to getting drunk. Not that that is always wrong, but it was wrong often enough in our relationship that it was damaging. A told me I was too passive, and I can see that it was the drinking that allowed that.

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