"[My relationships were] like I was in these movies where the script was only half-written. When I’d get to the end of this half-script, the other actors wanted me to ad lib. But I had never gotten the hang of that. That’s why these movies were always box-office failures. Six of them in the past twenty years. I always blew the lines." ~ from my horrible first novel "Learn How To Pretend." (unpublished)(obviously)

Friday, September 28, 2012

My first A.A. meeting.... sort of.

Cheapass Motherfucking Scotch. That's right. I went and bought this shit with the intention of drinking it before going to a motherfucking AA meeting? Can you dig it? Insane, right?
As promised in a post from earlier this evening, I went to the store and bought, among nothing else, a bottle of Scotch. The reason? Because I was planning on heading to my first A.A. meeting down at St. Michael's and All Angels' church. That was the plan anyway. 

No. Seriously. I was going to have a few drinks because that's just what I do going into a new social situation. I just need to take the edge off of things. I had every intention of going.

So what happened? Well, my friend, Cody, for one thing. He returned a call I'd made earlier. I was inquiring about his frame of mind -- after a rough patch he'd hit earlier in the week. We ended up talking for a while. Let me state that in more realistic terms: I ended up crying a lot and Cody ended up listening. Poor bastard.

We talked well past the time when I needed to leave for the meeting. But that's OK. It's not the end of things. It's not like I'm planning to quit drinking anytime soon. More like I'm acclimating myself, seeing how I feel about the temperature of the water. I'll go for a while. I'm sure as hell not going to pour out a bottle of perfectly good  budget Scotch just yet.

But, you know.... maybe I will. Maybe I'll lose the attachment.

See, in my conversation with Cody this evening, I realized that I'm attached to drinking -- the Scotch aspect particularly -- because that's who I've become. "The guy who drinks Scotch" has become part of my identity much in the same way that "Husband, Father, homeowner, friend" was part of my identity prior to the breakup. Removing these last four items from my life was like ripping off a huge scab -- HUGE. In the same way, removing the alcohol is removing a personality scab. The dude who could drink has been a part of my life since my early 20s. There were breaks from drinking, but....

I don't always drink, but when I do, I look like a functional alcoholic.

Not sure where I'm going with this. Let's consider it a SITREP. I spent time discussing the situation, the issues. The next meeting -- the one I'm seriously considering, it Tuesday at 6.   Let's see what happens, shall we. 

Anyone want to place a wager? Make it interesting?

OOOohhhhhhh,... and, point being, that I talked to Cody instead of going to AA. Huzzah! or as they say in Mexico, JuzzaJ.

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