"[My relationships were] like I was in these movies where the script was only half-written. When I’d get to the end of this half-script, the other actors wanted me to ad lib. But I had never gotten the hang of that. That’s why these movies were always box-office failures. Six of them in the past twenty years. I always blew the lines." ~ from my horrible first novel "Learn How To Pretend." (unpublished)(obviously)

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

REPOST: An explanation of Albuquerque's seasons


Albuquerque, contrary to popular belief is actually a nine-season city.
  1. Winter: Generally begins on New Year’s Eve and lasts for approximately three eternities. New Mexico winters usually dip to below freezing at night and rise to 70° or 80° by noon, resulting in extreme schizophrenic fashion selections. (i.e. mini-skirts with snowboots and sleeveless parkas.)
  2. Spring: Four months of constant wind, dust, and pollen.
  3. “Ahhhhh”: Three days of gorgeous weather that occurs somewhere between February and May.
  4. Nine Circles of Summer: The nine sub-seasons are Hot, Extra Hot, Picanté, Dry, Supersonic, Nuclear, At-Least-We’re-Not-In-Phoenix, Oh-Dear-God-Kill-Me-Now, and Death. Sweet, Merciful Death.
  5. Monsoon: The rainy, stormy season. Many sacrifices are made by the locals to get it to stop.
  6. Chilé: Locals buy, clean, bag, and freeze several pounds of roasted green chilé that half of them will never eat.
  7. State Fair: The season in early September when “Carnies” may literally and figuratively take the “Rubes” for a ride without fear of legal action.
  8. Balloon Fiesta: Beginning in early October, Balloon Fiesta Season is a highly controlled and mediocrified event sanctioned by the city as appropriate for tourists and yokels alike. Sponsored for years by a major film manufacturer, the fiesta attracts hundreds of balloonists and thousands of spectators from around the world. It has been called “the most photographed event in the entire history of humankind.” This is according to official city data (Source: www.CityofAlbookirkkey.gov). In point of fact it is not the most photographed event – only the most prints purchased. In 1997, film processing facilities realized that they could pass off the same set of prints to thousands of customers. Due to a mechanical glitch, thousands of rolls of pictures taken at the Fiesta and dropped at a Photo-Go-Round were fired at high velocity towards a beer can pyramid using a Wrist-Missile™ slingshot by two inebriated night-staff film technicians out back on their break. In an attempt to deliberately cover their tracks, the pair accidentally reprinted thousands of sets of a single roll of film shot by Emmaline Jimsky of Sioux City, South Dakota. Working feverishly through the rest of the night, they stuffed thousands of envelopes full of identical sets of balloon fiesta photos. Not one complaint was received and soon the word – and duplicates of the “Jimsky Negatives” – spread throughout the film-processing underworld. Since that day, no new balloon photographs have been printed.
  9. X-Mas Shopping: Begins at midnight on All Hallows Eve with a traditional pre-season High Mass and runs through Easter.

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